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Author Topic: The real deal on god and the bible:  (Read 3218 times)

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AZtucsonTopic starter

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The real deal on god and the bible:
« on: January 29, 2009, 02:44:59 PM »

Since it's come up in another thraed I thought I'd share a little something.  It's just an out-take from Heaven.  God is having lunch with his secretary Bubbles:



The Bible?.over lunch

(Bubbles and God are having lunch?out of the way planet, far from work)

Bubbles:  So how?s the shrimp etouffee?                                     
                                                                                                                     

God: Pretty decent, but it could use more file.

Bubbles:  So anyway God, my girlfriend Tiffany wanted me to ask you a question?

God: Tiffany with the big boobs?

Bubbles:  Hush, pervo.  She has this question about the Bible and?

(God throws his fork down with a pained expression)
God: Oh Christ?.I hate that damn thing!

Bubbles:  (puzzled)  Wow?.why the nasty attitude?

God:   Well obviously neither you nor Tiffany bothered to read the Orientation Brochure you got when you arrived in Heaven.  It says quite clearly on page 2, section 3.?and I quote?.?NEVER MENTION OR DISCUSS THE BIBLE!?  In big freakin? letters!!? 

You know, I don?t know why we even pass the Damn things out.  Seems like everybody just sticks them in the pocket and heads right over to the Buffet and Open Bar when they first get to Heaven.

Bubbles:   Well yeah?I guess I just sorta skimmed it.  But why you so pissed about the Bible.  It?s Your own divine words!

God:  Like hell it is.  You?ve never heard the story about how it came about, did you?

Bubbles:  Nope.  So like tell me?.

God:  There was this guy Ahmad in Sumeria, I think.  He?s a goat herder way the Hell out in the sticks and he was a real nut job.  I mean completely out of his mind - nobody out there except him and his goats.  This guy was so far gone he made windows for his shack out of goat bladders and had this little hat he made out the skin off a goat?s head.  Had the little horns and everything.  Christ?he even had a chess set and a complete six piece place setting, all made out of dried goat shit.

Bubbles:  Ewwww?..

God:   Yeah, I know.  Wasn?t hard to figure out why nobody wanted to come to his place for dinner.  Anyway, he wrote this book that - get this - he said was dictated to him by one of his goats.  A ?divine? goat no less.  He thought it was the word of God.
(Bubbles snickers)

God:  Pretty weird, huh?  So this book is all full of just crazy shit.  Wild-ass stories about giant floods, frog plagues, people turning to salt and stuff.  So anyway, when he croaks his relatives had Goodwill come out and pick up all the junk at his shack, including the book.  Now three, four years later this guy Matthew comes across it at a flea market and buys it for like a quarter or something.  Now this Matthew was a straight up con man, always looking to hustle cash with some bullshit scheme.

So he reads the thing and all of a sudden he sees dollar signs.  So he gets together with some of his buddies from the synagogue ?.Mark, Luke, and another guy.  Think his name was Joe or Jack, or something like that.  And they decide they?re going to start peddling this thing and claim it was so sacred text they found in an old cave or something.

Bubbles:  Wow? that?s pretty low.

God: Yeah, but the beauty of the whole con is the book itself.  This thing is so far fetched, so confusing and contradictory that people don?t know what the Hell to make of it.  And the real con starts there.  Matthew and those guys know how to play on human nature.  They know that if you give the average human some shit that just doesn?t make sense, they?ll go one of 2 ways?.A - they figure it?s just stupid and blow it off,  or B - they figure it must be so brilliant they just can?t understand it.  Now throw the God thing in the mix and they?ll ALWAYS  go with option B.

So Matt and his guys claim the thing is ?Divine? and act all mystical about it.  Now the average guys reads it - can?t make head nor tails of it - but he doesn?t want to look like a dumbass so he tells all HIS friends ?Oh yeah, trust me, this is the Word of God.?  And he starts acting all mystical and shit.  Pretty soon everybody?s buying it.  And none of THEM wants to admit they think it?s just a stupid-ass book, so the whole thing mushrooms.  Meanwhile Matt and his guys are just raking in the cash!

Bubbles:   Yeah, I gotta admit the first time I read it I thought it was all bullshit too.

God: That?s because it IS!  But pretty soon Matt and his crew realize that con has a limited lifespan because just about everybody had bought the book by then.  So they hit on the scheme to claim that I?m speaking through them now too.  And they start writing their own books as add-ons to the original.  And they write the same kind of crazy shit with absolutely weird prose that?s just about undecipherable, just like the original.  And the cash just keeps rolling in.

Bubbles:  Wow?.who?d a thunk it!

God:  Yup, but as far as cons go, you gotta admit it was a beaut!  And truthfully, it didn?t bother me all that much that they were taking My name in vain, but I started to get pissed when my Kid got involved in it.

Bubbles:  Jesus?  Hey, I been meaning to ask - where is He.  Seems like I never see him around.

God:   Oh, He?s at home?grounded for Eternity.  And it?s all over this Bible shit.  Now He?s a pretty sharp kid and he saw this thing going on and decided He wanted to get in on it.  So He goes down to Earth - without My permission mind you - and starts blabbing to everybody that He?s My kid.

Bubbles:   And this was so He could get in on the profits?

God:  No?actually He was just in on it for the broads.  You know He?s a good looking kid - since He?s My son and all?

Bubbles:   He IS kind of a hunk!

God:   So He starts playing along with Matt and his guys, and pretty soon He?s just covered up with groupies.  Kid musta got laid like two, three times a day.  In fact, that?s how the problem with Pontius Pilate started.  Pilate caught Him banging his wife, so he freaked out and had Him crucified.  Of course Pilate doesn?t want to admit his wife was screwing around on him, so he makes up a story about why he?s offing the kid.  Now Jesus is a born showman, so He?s figures what the Hell, I?ll just milk this thing for all it?s worth.  The Crucifixion deal was way over the top if you ask me.

You know, I?ve been thinking that if I ever have a grandkid I?d force Jesus to name the lil sumbitch Cletus H?..then send Him down to Earth.  ?Cletus H. Christ??man that would blow some peoples minds. Have Him pull off some brand new miracles.  Like turning the Pacific into blue Jello?maybe a plague of pterodactyls?.or have Him do the loaves and fishes thing, but just keep the goddamn things multiplying til everybody on Earth?s up to their ass in loaves and fishes.

(Bubbles is giggling)

God:  So anyway?that?s? the real deal behind the Bible.

Bubbles:  Wow, that whole thing is just bizarre.  But you know, I still don?t know why You?re so pissed about it.

God:  You know, I just finally got fed up after the Jesus deal so I went down there and talked to Matt.  I told him fine, you keep your little con going, but I want 25% off the top of the book sales and $20 every time they used  My name in vain. And they were all like ?Oh sure God, no problem!?

I still haven?t seen dime one!!

Bubbles:  Holy shit God?.why don?t you get a lawyer and go after them?

God:   We got no lawyers in Heaven, remember?

Bubbles:  Oh yeah?that?s right.

God:  What the Hell?.ahhh look at the time.  We gotta get back.  I got that Production Meeting at 2.  Something about the last run of humans.  Every one of them came out with 12 arms.  Must be a software glitch.

(God picks up the bill then starts patting all his pockets)

God:  Hey, I left my wallet at the office.  Can you get this one?

Bubbles:  Godammit God?.you do that every time!

God:  Tell you what?.to make it up, how ?bout we go out for drinks after work?

Bubbles:   OK, but I gotta tell you that me and Rico made up.  So you got like zero chance of scoring.

God:  No problem.  I got time to wait.  Eternity, in fact.

Bubbles:  It?ll probably take that long.  And this time can we NOT go to a topless bar on Amateur Night.  No way I?m ever going to get drunk enough to do that.

God:   Damn?..OK.
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Re: The real deal on god and the bible:
« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2009, 02:53:23 PM »

You're lying, it's all TRUE.
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Re: The real deal on god and the bible:
« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2009, 04:42:18 PM »

LMAO! That story makes more sense than the bible itself.  :rotf:

Best line:  "We got no lawyers in Heaven, remember? "  :lmao:
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Re: The real deal on god and the bible:
« Reply #3 on: January 30, 2009, 06:10:58 AM »

:rotf: :rotf: :rotf:

I knew there was a valid explanation out there!
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Re: The real deal on god and the bible:
« Reply #4 on: January 30, 2009, 10:39:19 PM »

LOL!! I love it!
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AZtucsonTopic starter

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Re: The real deal on god and the bible:
« Reply #5 on: January 31, 2009, 10:18:16 AM »

Oh shit -  was watching an archeology type program about people finding the ruins of the actual cities of Sodom and Gomorrah and at the start they recounted the bible story about it.  It was just tooo weird.  For those not up on their bible study, here's how it went:

God was pissed off at the 2 towns over how nasty they were.  Somehow it was decided that if 10 righteous men could be found there, god wouldn't nuke both of them.  So 2 angels diguised as men go down to look.

The get to Sodom and their quickly surrounded by the men of the town, who were apparently were all queers.  This guy Lot comes up and saves the 2 angels and takes them to his house.  They're all kicked back and suddenly all the men in the town appear outside the house, whipped into a fag frenzy.  They want ass!

Lot thinks guests in his house are somehow sacred and need to be protected at all costs.   So he goes out and tells the crowd of crazed fags that they can't have the 2 guys (angels.)  Instead he says "Here's my two virgin daughters....you can fuck them."
The queers want no part of pussy, so Lot, his family, and the two angels haul ass out of town.  When they were out of town god blasted both cities into oblivion.  God told them not to look back, but Lots wife did and got turned into a pillar of salt.  But that's just a minor part of the overall weirdness...

After the angels left, Lot and his 2 daughters hole up in this cave.  The daughters get all freaked out thinking the entire population of the world has been killed, and decide they're the only women left to start repopulating the world.

So what do they do?....they get Lot drunk and they both fuck him in the hopes of getting knocked up and continuing the species.


Yeah.....

That's the kind of book I want to believe in!
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Re: The real deal on god and the bible:
« Reply #6 on: January 31, 2009, 10:33:39 AM »

I swear I've seen a porno version of that  :confused:

It strikes me that this god dude is a bit of a nasty cunt, mind you, I've never really been able to understand the whole "god fearing" thing.  I refuse to let the miserable twat rain on my lifes parade...I'm having an absolute fucking ball but if other weirdo's want to spend their stretch living in fear and following odd ball rules...all power to 'em.

My MAJOR problem is with the ultimate prize...the BIG selling point of it all...what it ALL hinges on...Heaven.

I'm a human being.  I bore easily.  I can 100% guarantee that I'd be bored fucking rigid of paradise after the first 10 years let alone eternity.  How fucking mind numbing would that be.  I'm pretty sure that when these weirdo's came up with the concept of heaven that life for 99.9% of people was utter drudgery and they never really banked on it dawning on people that paradise is all around us right now and that people don't have to spend their entire lives being really fucking weird to taste it.
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Re: The real deal on god and the bible:
« Reply #7 on: January 31, 2009, 10:49:54 AM »

If you wanted to know anything about Lot, just ask TWAP.  They used to hang out back in the day.
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Re: The real deal on god and the bible:
« Reply #8 on: January 31, 2009, 11:00:40 AM »

I grew up Catholic. As a really little girl, I didn't really question any of the tenets of the Church (as most children wouldn't). When I started school (private Catholic school), I started to notice discrepancies in the teachings, and of course I brought those discrepancies to the attention of the nuns. My parents were called in (I was a little troublemaker, not just a curious child with questions).

As I got older, say 12 or 13, I decided that a "God" who would apparently create an entire race of beings, as I was taught He did, and then just cut them loose and turn His back on them, as it appeared He had done, at least to me, was not a "supreme being" that I wanted any part of.

Still later, after horrible bouts with alcohol and drugs, and really shitty things happening as a direct result of my choices in those situations (no, I didn't blame God or anyone else, I made my own choices), I went to rehab and got into recovery. At AA and NA I was told that I needed to find "the God of my understanding" if I were to get and stay clean and sober. Having given this all serious reflection in earlier years, my spiritual tendencies leaned toward the Pagan, it just made more sense to me, and I found the notion of both Mother and Father, the cyclical nature of it all, very comforting. Imagine my surprise when the good people of the 12 Step Brigade told me that I was wrong. God's male, I was informed, and while they might SAY "the God of your understanding," when you get down to brass tacks it's really the Judeo-Christian model of an angry old man in a beard, minus the anger to suit their needs to feel loved and forgiven.

I guess Muslims and Buddhists and Wiccans can't get sober.
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AZtucsonTopic starter

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Re: The real deal on god and the bible:
« Reply #9 on: January 31, 2009, 11:19:24 AM »

Heh...the early development of logic on my part sorta ruined my whole catholic experience too.

They said god was omniscient - new all the past and all the future.  So I reasoned out that when he created man he KNEW a certain amount of them would go to hell.  What a prick!  Why didn't he just take up golf to occupy his time?

Used to be eating meat on Friday was a mortal sin and a ticket to hell if you didn't confess and do penance before you died.  Recently I heard it's not a mortal sin anymore.  So.....what about the LAST guy who got sent to hell for eating meat on Friday.  He's just gotta be pissed.  He died at 11:59PM and the rules changed at midnight.  wtf?  I see a lawsuit in the making.

To catholics, god supposedly made us to "love, honor, and obey him."  Doesn't this sound like god's a really insecure bastard, that he needs us to constantly kiss his ass?

"Vengance is mine sayeth the lord."  Seriously god...what do you have to be pissed off about.  Jesuschrist....yer god for fuck's sake!  Get over it!

I no longer go to church.....like, not since I was 14 or so.
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Re: The real deal on god and the bible:
« Reply #10 on: January 31, 2009, 11:26:01 AM »

There's some new movie out, I saw the previews on the DVD we watched the other night, about a comedy made about Jesus. I can't remember the name but it looks funny as fuck: "My dad's gonna crucify me when he finds out about this."

And yeah the food thing - God was what, smokin a blunt with the archangels and they said, "Okay this'll fuck them up - FOOD RULES, lmao el owe el, tell them they go to hell if they eat meat on Friday, and the Jews can't have bacon."

If there is a God, he doesn't care what you eat. He doesn't care period. I live my life by trying not to hurt anyone, doing the right thing when no one's looking, making amends immediately if possible when I fuck things up, and being as loving as I can while I'm here. Life's short, I'm not going to spend it worrying about what's going to happen to me when I die. I figure if I live a good life, and there IS an afterlife, it'll be taken into account that I never hurt anyone deliberately. And if it's NOT taken into account, then fuck it, at least I'll be spending eternity with my friends.
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Re: The real deal on god and the bible:
« Reply #11 on: January 31, 2009, 12:19:10 PM »

I've just come in from my back yard.  I stood out there, clenched my fist towards the sky and shouted out "god you are a fucking cunt" at the top of my voice.  I then proceeded to bare my pimply white arse and I mooned the fucker demanding him to kiss my chocolate bullet wound.

Surely to christ there should be whats left of me smoking on charred leg stumps right now with this brimstone dealing omnipotent all conquering god dude taking that kind of abuse from pissant little old me.  In fact I've spent all of my adult life being rude about the bastard...maybe he's picking his moment....
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Re: The real deal on god and the bible:
« Reply #12 on: January 31, 2009, 12:33:42 PM »

Sorry Ratty, God was covering his eyes when he figured out you were gonna bare your ass.
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Re: The real deal on god and the bible:
« Reply #13 on: January 31, 2009, 02:08:15 PM »

My MAJOR problem is with the ultimate prize...the BIG selling point of it all...what it ALL hinges on...Heaven.

I'm a human being.  I bore easily.  I can 100% guarantee that I'd be bored fucking rigid of paradise after the first 10 years let alone eternity.  How fucking mind numbing would that be.  I'm pretty sure that when these weirdo's came up with the concept of heaven that life for 99.9% of people was utter drudgery and they never really banked on it dawning on people that paradise is all around us right now and that people don't have to spend their entire lives being really fucking weird to taste it.

FAIL.

Have you given the thought that perhaps "Heaven" or any positive conception of afterlife isn't a place where your physical being matters? I highly doubt that any afterlife entails doing human things, albeit the things you enjoy most. If I was God, I'd get mad as hell if billions of people were running around fucking and doing silly shit like crumping in MY paradise.

I'd guess that Heaven means more of a place where you are one with God and all spirits around you, and that's all you need. Perhaps you spend eternity lost in this expanse, knowing everything and seeing everything as it happens, as you have been one with this supposed omnipotent, omniscient Lord. To me, that would never get old.

It's too simple to think of Heaven as some cloudy place with gates at the front door and tons of liquor or piles of naked redhead supermodels lying around. The truth is, nobody knows what Heaven is, if it exists, or anything else that happens when we die. I'd prefer to think it's not as stupid as sitting around doing the same stuff you could have done on Earth.
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Re: The real deal on god and the bible:
« Reply #14 on: January 31, 2009, 03:23:28 PM »

Oh shit -  was watching an archeology type program about people finding the ruins of the actual cities of Sodom and Gomorrah and at the start they recounted the bible story about it.  It was just tooo weird.  For those not up on their bible study, here's how it went:

God was pissed off at the 2 towns over how nasty they were.  Somehow it was decided that if 10 righteous men could be found there, god wouldn't nuke both of them.  So 2 angels diguised as men go down to look.

The get to Sodom and their quickly surrounded by the men of the town, who were apparently were all queers.  This guy Lot comes up and saves the 2 angels and takes them to his house.  They're all kicked back and suddenly all the men in the town appear outside the house, whipped into a fag frenzy.  They want ass!

Lot thinks guests in his house are somehow sacred and need to be protected at all costs.   So he goes out and tells the crowd of crazed fags that they can't have the 2 guys (angels.)  Instead he says "Here's my two virgin daughters....you can fuck them."
The queers want no part of pussy, so Lot, his family, and the two angels haul ass out of town.  When they were out of town god blasted both cities into oblivion.  God told them not to look back, but Lots wife did and got turned into a pillar of salt.  But that's just a minor part of the overall weirdness...

After the angels left, Lot and his 2 daughters hole up in this cave.  The daughters get all freaked out thinking the entire population of the world has been killed, and decide they're the only women left to start repopulating the world.

So what do they do?....they get Lot drunk and they both fuck him in the hopes of getting knocked up and continuing the species.


Someone needs to clue god in about Fan Fancisco.
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Re: The real deal on god and the bible:
« Reply #15 on: January 31, 2009, 04:03:59 PM »

Heh...the early development of logic on my part sorta ruined my whole catholic experience too.

They said god was omniscient - new all the past and all the future.  So I reasoned out that when he created man he KNEW a certain amount of them would go to hell.  What a prick!  Why didn't he just take up golf to occupy his time?

Used to be eating meat on Friday was a mortal sin and a ticket to hell if you didn't confess and do penance before you died.  Recently I heard it's not a mortal sin anymore.  So.....what about the LAST guy who got sent to hell for eating meat on Friday.  He's just gotta be pissed.  He died at 11:59PM and the rules changed at midnight.  wtf?  I see a lawsuit in the making.


 :rotf:

Yeah, i think Pope JPII made some royal proclamation one day and said that it wasn't s a sin to eat meat on Fridays anymore in what must have been one of the great WTF moments in Catholic history. All those poor people who went to hell before that for the past 2000 years got a raw deal i tell you!

I got sent to Catholic school for religious programming and indoctrination when i was a kid and two things made me think hmm, this isnt right.

First, was when they cut into my play time and made me sell raffle tickets. They had all the kids in school going door to door selling fucking raffle tickets like a children's army for the church. I thought school was suppose to be about learning but somehow this got perverted into child labor for the church. Just about anything which is otherwise questionable is okay if it's being done for god.

When I brought my small box of coins and tributes that i had managed to receive for god back in after hours of competing with other kids selling magazine subscriptions and trips to Disney (these unimaginative fucks gave out $1,000 as the prize), instead of being thanked for my efforts i was belittled by a fucking nun to the tune of "is this all?" and "go back and do better".

Ahhh... yeah. I'm a 10 year old kid, lady, not some fucking televangelist with a TV gig on the side. Anyway, i didnt know what boiler room operations or Ponzi schemes were yet but I had an inkling even at that age that making kids do that kind of stuff and putting that kind of pressure on them to come back with more money was just wrong. Especially since I had something of an insight as to where some of the money went.
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AZtucsonTopic starter

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Re: The real deal on god and the bible:
« Reply #16 on: January 31, 2009, 04:59:10 PM »

Quote
I swear I've seen a porno version of that

Freud could have made a whole career out of the twisted fuck that wrote that story
 in the bible.
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JimmyBlonde

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Re: The real deal on god and the bible:
« Reply #17 on: February 01, 2009, 10:34:24 AM »

Oh shit -  was watching an archeology type program about people finding the ruins of the actual cities of Sodom and Gomorrah

I hate these quasi archaeologists, having studies archaeology myself i really pisses me off that they are giving us such a bad name with their psuedo science bullshit.

If the stupid cunts really belived that science could prove the existence of god then why don't they acknowledge evolution!!!?

Assholes.

Imagine this scenario.

I saw the movie "Independance Day" in in it was the Sydeny Harbour bridge. Using the logic of these imbelilic dumb bastars Christiologists that would mean that every thing that happened in the movie was real and that aliens really did come down and wipe out a whole bunch of shit before some whacko crop-duster pilot fucked up their spaceships.

 :hammer:
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Re: The real deal on god and the bible:
« Reply #18 on: February 01, 2009, 11:06:29 AM »

I saw the movie "Independance Day" that would mean that every thing that happened in the movie was real and that aliens really did come down

Are you implying that Scientology is wrong?  :hand:.  Tom Cruise and John Travolta cannot be wrong! :slap:   :vc:

btw, Hi JB, good to see you here....
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Re: The real deal on god and the bible:
« Reply #19 on: February 01, 2009, 11:37:52 AM »

I've always been fascinated by Scientologists. I find it hard to believe that none of the seemingly sentient beings involved in that charade have not clued in to the fact that L. Ron Hubbard was a science fiction novelist, and that "Dianetics" was in all likelihood written with his tongue firmly planted in his cheek.

I'm not saying John Travolta, Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes or any of the other celebrities involved with it are exactly Mensa material, but holy crap, man, it's pretty obvious. :wheelchair:
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And I'll dance with you in Vienna, I'll be wearing a river's disguise. The hyacinth wild on my shoulder, my mouth on the dew of your thighs. And I'll bury my soul in a scrapbook, with the photographs there, and the moths and I'll yield to the flood of your beauty my cheap violin and my cross.
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