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Author Topic: Belly laughing jokes  (Read 953 times)

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double helixTopic starter

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Belly laughing jokes
« on: February 05, 2009, 09:50:08 PM »

Fella went to a pet store and saw a parrot there that had no feet or legs.
"Wow, I wonder how that bird stays on it's perch" he wonders outloud. 
"Well sir" says the bird, "when I was very young I trained my little weenie to wrap around the perch and that's how I stay on."
The man was stunned."Holy cow,not only can you talk but you understood me!"
"Absolutely, not only that but I can speak three languages, I am versed in politics, literature, history and can quote every superbowl score for the last twenty years. I'm great company. You should buy me and take me home."
The man looks at the price tag and shakes his head. "two hundred dollars is pretty steep. I can't afford you." 
"Look" says the parrot, " I'm defective. Offer the clerk $20 bucks and I'm yours."
So the man does just that, takes the bird home and for several months everything is great! The bird is great company and very entertaining.
One day the man comes home and the bird goes "pssst. I don't know if I should tell you this but something happend today."
"Yeah, what happened?" the man asks.
"Well, when the postman came your wife answered the door in a sexy negligee."
"Yeah, then what happened?" says the man.
"Well, the postman lifted up the negligee and began kissing your wife's belly"
"Yeah, then what happened"
"Well, then the postman pulled the negligee off  and began kissing your wife up down and all over her breasts."
" What!, then happened then?"
"I don't know. I fell off the perch!"



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Re: Belly laughing jokes
« Reply #1 on: February 06, 2009, 01:33:08 PM »

very old...
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thekid65

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Re: Belly laughing jokes
« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2009, 01:45:03 PM »

The joke, or DH?
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Re: Belly laughing jokes
« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2009, 01:33:47 AM »

What did one tampon say to the other?



















































Nothing ... they were both stuck up bitches.


HAH! love that one.
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double helixTopic starter

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Re: Belly laughing jokes
« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2009, 10:42:55 PM »

A woman had a parrot given to her by a friend. The parrot squawked all day and all night, cursed and made foul rude comments whenever the woman walked through the room where the parrot was.
She tried covering the bird, banging on the cage, loud music and training cd's but the bird just became louder, more foul mouthed and came up with even ruder comments.
Finally out of frustration, the woman put the bird in the freezer.
The bird squawked and cursed worse then ever then suddenly there was total silence from the freezer.
Thinking she had harmed the bird somehow the woman opened the freezer. The bird calmly walked out onto her arm. " Madam" says the bird
"I truly am sorry for my rude, loud and foulmouthed behavior and will endeavor to be more considerate and pleasing in the future. Umm by the way, what did the chicken do?"


Two elderly ladies in a nursing home went outside on a rainy day to smoke a cigarette. One pulled out a condom, clipped off  the end  and slipped it over her cigarette. 
"Hey, that's pretty neat" said the other woman. "Where do you get those?"
"From the drug store down the street"
The next day the woman shuffles up to the drugstore, approaches the youthful clerk at the counter with her walker and asks " Do you have any condoms?"
The clerk, somewhat taken aback by the request says "Sure, what kind would you like?"
'I don't care," says the old woman "as long as they fit a Camel."
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Re: Belly laughing jokes
« Reply #5 on: August 29, 2010, 06:50:02 AM »

I can't remember where I heard this one so I hope it wasn't here and that this isn't a re-run but:

Three guys die on the same day. They go to heaven and St Peter tells them that because heaven has been so busy lately that he can only admit one of them and the other two will have to wait for a while.

After some grumbling amongst each other St Peter suggests that whoever died the most interesting death should be admitted.

All parties agree and the first man steps forward to tell his tale.

"I'd just gotten home from a hard days work and I heard my wife having sex with another man in the bedroom. I rushed into the bedroom to find the stranger but he wasn't there so I looked out on the balcony and I see this naked guy hanging over the edge by his hands. Well I was mad as a hornet so I took off one of my boots and thumped his hands until he let go but, would you believe it, the lucky bastard lands in a tree which breaks his fall. This infuriates me even more so I go into the kitchen, pull the refrigerator into the bedroom and toss it over the balcony which finally kills him. The exertion was too much for me though and I had a heart attack and died."

"Not bad." Says St Peter and motions for the next guy to speak.

"I live in a high rise apartment and work nights, I had just gotten out of bed and was leaning on my balcony, in my bath-robe, when the edge of my balcony gave way and I fell. Luckily I was able to grab hold of the balcony below mine but I lost my robe in the fall I was trying to pull myself up when this guy comes running out and starts hammering my hands with a boot. I fell again and by some miracle landed in a tree which broke my fall. I was looking uip to heaven and thanking God for my luck escape when a refrigerator came tumbling down and smashed me."

St Peter smiles and says.

"Excellent, now for the last."

Everybody turns to look at the last guy who merely shrugs and says.

"I was hiding naked in a fridge, everything went black and I woke up here."
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Re: Belly laughing jokes
« Reply #6 on: December 03, 2010, 11:16:19 AM »

You know whats fucking annoying ?  Ever since it started snowing the missus has done nothing but stare through the window.  If it gets any worse I'll have to let the fucker in  :wheelchair:
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Re: Belly laughing jokes
« Reply #7 on: December 04, 2010, 04:16:46 PM »

Q: What's the best thing and the worst thing about fucking a 3 year old?
A: The best thing is when you hear the hips crack. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . And the worst thing is when they tell you they've had better!
     
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Re: Belly laughing jokes
« Reply #8 on: December 04, 2010, 09:03:09 PM »

Q: What's the best thing and the worst thing about fucking a 3 year old?
A: The best thing is when you hear the hips crack. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . And the worst thing is when they tell you they've had better!
   

Well, did the little man pull out and cum your belly?
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Re: Belly laughing jokes
« Reply #9 on: December 06, 2010, 08:06:06 AM »

Well, did the little man pull out and cum your belly?

Yeah no problem Johnny. I can see you're desperate. Feel free to use the joke as your own so long as you credit me properly ok?

I reccommend you don't use it in an IRA pub in East Belfast on a Sunday lunch just as they return from mass.

Nearly got me kneecapped  :uhuh:
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Re: Belly laughing jokes
« Reply #10 on: December 06, 2010, 08:50:25 AM »

Yeah no problem Johnny. I can see you're desperate. Feel free to use the joke as your own so long as you credit me properly ok?

I reccommend you don't use it in an IRA pub in East Belfast on a Sunday lunch just as they return from mass.

Nearly got me kneecapped  :uhuh:

If, in that disgustingly perversed mind of yours; thought it was the type of joke you could casually broadcast, then you've grossly misjudged the ethical landscape of the general public.

Pity that kneecap didn't fully materialise.
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Re: Belly laughing jokes
« Reply #11 on: December 06, 2010, 11:47:13 AM »

If, in that disgustingly perversed mind of yours; thought it was the type of joke you could casually broadcast, then you've grossly misjudged the ethical landscape of the general public.

Pity that kneecap didn't fully materialise.

Kneecaps love, them things you ain't seen since your weight in stones grew past the teens  :hammer:
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