BWAHAHAHA!!!
Know what's really funny? I've since determined that such a function as outlined in the opening post indeed exists. It didn't take long to Google and as a result I found myself better clued in on the options available for this board than the people actually running it apparently are. I'm sharing this knowledge with you now because
I know that y'all feel reluctant to admit any shortcoming in your knowledge base and expect the users to cough up the answers to all the things you don't know. You're welcome.
Not that I expect a global moderator has the necessary access to be a mover and shaker in such matters, nor would he likely have the inclination to do so at the kind request of a person whose previous output has included less than glowing assessments of the tasks the global moderator has attempted to deliver on, but that's okay. I've been around long enough to know that if you're not actively blowing smoke up the arses of those with the bare minimum of control a c-panel provides, said personnel can get somewhat miffed and even downright pissy about it. Which is kind of ironic all things considered. It's often been said that moderating is a thankless job; here is a prime example of how such thanklessness is promoted through the inaction of those concerned. You're welcome there too.